Ri-ho-ho Is Never Gonna Learn!

We were kidding about a blow to Laytoya's head.

But Rihanna's?

We might not be joking around. For obviously, it's foreplay to her...

Sources close to Rihanna and Chris Brown say both parties believe the no-contact clause in his plea deal is pointless, not to mention impractical.

"They think it's unnecessary and ridiculous," the New York Daily News quotes of "a mutual pal" regarding the protection order handed down last week. Brown pled guilty to one count of felony assault in the February attack that left Rihanna battered and bruised.

Brown was also told he must stay at least 50 yards away from Rihanna and keep a distance of 10 yards from her if they attend the same event.

"After the proceeding, Ri and Chris talked on the phone for almost an hour and really worked at becoming friends. They're solid now," said the mutual friend.

Solid as a rock...upside her five-head.

Stay tuned, heauxz!

Chrihanna: No Jail Time For Him!

Take a good look, heauxz, because this is the last time you wille ver see these two this close.

He'll spend 180 days doing community labor (8 hours a day -- 1440 hours total) -- which is, in effect, hard labor. He'll do his service in Virginia which is where Brown lives. A Virginia law enforcement officer told us Brown will be picking up trash, pulling weeds and washing fire trucks.

He gets 5 years probation for felony assault -- he pled guilty. He'll get supervised probation. He'll have to come back to court every three months.

He must enroll in a domestic violence counseling program. You know, because that always works.

*eyeroll*

This is interesting ... the judge said if Brown and Rihanna are at the same public events, the 50-yard stay away turns into 10 yards. So in essence, he can almost pimp-slap her and get away with it still. The stay away order lasts 5 years.

The judge said she wanted to make sure that Chris Brown "was treated as any other person who comes through this court."

If Brown violates probation, he could get up to 4 years in prison.

Rihanna was in the courthouse but never entered the courtroom.

So Brown is now a convicted felon and loses the following rights: To own a gun, to sit on a jury, subject to search and seizure without a search warrant and he now has limitations on travel.

When Brown left the courtroom ... Rihanna walked in the courtroom. The judge explained the deal to her. The judge is telling Rihanna about the protective order.


Looks like it's time for a 'hit' single to get the most out of this scandal!

Chris Brown Is the Dumbest Defendant Ever

If you were a singer accused of beating your girlfriend to a pulp and your preliminary hearing were set for Monday ... would your next release be a song called "Smash"?

We thought not. Our readers have some damn sense. But apparently, Chris Brown is missing some significant portions of his medulla oblongata.

By the way ... Monday will be extremely interesting. Rihanna is set to take the stand and give the blow-by-blow.

That's right, RiRi. Point his ass out just like in the pic above. We doubt he will attack you in the courtroom.

Although, we cannot be too sure with this foolyun!

The big question -- will Chris Brown's lawyer, Mark Geragos, cross-examine Rihanna. As we reported, Rihanna was aggressive with Brown in the car, striking him repeatedly after seeing a text message on Brown's phone from another woman.

Chris Brown: Delaying the Inevitable

Jail is a-calling, but someone is hoping to get away with a massive beatdown...

Chris Brown's lawyer has asked the California Supreme Court to delay a key hearing in the singer's assault case, marking the second time his camp has submitted such a request.

Mark Geragos wants the state's high court to put off a preliminary hearing scheduled for Monday so that he can gain access to police personnel and investigative records, reports the Associated Press. At press time, no decision had been made.

It's the second attempt Geragos has made to delay Brown's preliminary hearing. An appeals court rejected his first motion to delay last week.

The 19-year-old R&B star faces felony assault and criminal threats charges for the alleged beating of his former girlfriend Rihanna. She was subpoenaed to testify and is expected to appear on Monday.

A judge will decide after Monday's hearing whether there is enough evidence for the case to proceed.

How much more evidence does one need?

We expect another Ri-o-ho sex tape to be unleaked in the interim.

Mark our words!

Chrihanna: The Encounter Awaits...

Now ball up those other three fingers Chris like a punk bitch and swing!


When I first read this, I thought it was for a boxing match.

At press time, both Chris Brown and Rihanna were still on the guest list to attend tonight's ASCAP Awards after-show party in Hollywood to honor Andre Merritt, a songwriter who has worked with them both.

According to WENN, Rihanna – as of Tuesday – was confirmed to attend the event, along with celebs Columbus Short and Jesse McCartney. Brown, at press time, was listed as "possibly" attending.

If the former lovers do attend, it will be the first time they've been under the same roof at a public event since their fight on Feb. 8 landed Brown in legal trouble and Rihanna in the hospital.

Meanwhile, Los Angeles Lakers star Andrew Bynum is denying rumors that he is Rihanna's new boyfriend.

The two celebs were spotted out together last weekend, but the NBA star told TMZ.com, "No" when asked if a romance was brewing between them.

Delusional Bitch of the Day: Chris Brown Pleads Not Guilty

Chris Brown has pleaded not guilty to two felony counts in connection with the beating of his girlfriend Rihanna, and a preliminary hearing has been set for April 29.

Not guilty? Not guilty of an uppercut to her toe, maybe. All other areas were apparently fair game, judging from the photos released after he went 10 rounds on her alien 5-head.

The R&B star, dressed in a black suit, arrived about 30 minutes after his scheduled 3 p.m. arraignment in Los Angeles to a bevy of news cameras and photographers.

Flanked by his lawyer, Mark Geragos, Brown entered a not guilty plea to assault likely to cause great bodily harm and making criminal threats in the alleged Feb. 8 altercation, in which the singer allegedly punched, choked, and threatened to kill Rihanna just hours before their scheduled performance at the Grammys, according to a search warrant affidavit.

If convicted, Brown, 19, faces anywhere from probation to a maximum four years and eight months in state prison, prosecutors say. However, legal experts tell People.com that he will likely accept a plea deal on lesser charges with anywhere from a 30- to 180-day jail sentence and three to five years probation.

"A plea deal would be the quickest and least messy way to end this case," says L.A. criminal defense attorney Jeffery Rubenstein, who's not involved with the case. "It would also let Rihanna off the hook from testifying in court."

Rihanna's attorney Donald Etra told reporters outside the courtroom, "Nothing's changed with regard to Rihanna's stance toward this case ... She will testify if subpoenaed and will do everything that's required of her to do."

Currently the singer, is "doing fine," says Etra. "She's in Barbados now with her family."

Jay-Z Better Get Tina on Speed-Dial!!!!

The March 16 issue of Star claims that Rihanna and Chris Brown did more than just reconcile while staying at Diddy's Miami Beach estate last weekend. The tabloid quotes sources who swear the two secretly got married.

"All she's ever wanted was to be with him forever," the unnamed source tells Star. "Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25. She believes in fairy tales, and she wants to live hers with Chris. She was totally up front and confessed to him, 'I can't live without you.'"


Star is reporting that the couple "had a tearful face-to-face meeting at Diddy's $14.5 million Miami mansion, during which an emotional Chris apologized, begged for forgiveness and proposed to her on the spot.


"The pair wasted no time making Rihanna's fairy tale come true. They even called a minister to the mansion on exclusive Star Island!"

Meanwhile, Us Weekly is reporting that Chris and Rihanna have been staying in a room together at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills since arriving from Miami early Tuesday. The magazine said both Beyonce and Oprah Winfrey have contacted Rihanna, and her mentor, Jay-Z, talks to her every single day.

Us also reports that Jay-Z is trying to arrange a meeting between Rihanna and Tina Turner, who survived years of domestic abuse at the hands of her former husband, Ike Turner.

Beating is the New Aphrodisiac

Within hours of news that Rihanna and Chris Brown were holed up at Diddy's spread in Miami trying to work things out, reaction has poured in from fans of the singers, domestic violence experts and Rihanna's own father, Ronald Fenty.


"I love my daughter with whatever road she takes. I'm behind her win or lose. I will be supportive. If that's the road she wants to choose, I'm behind her," Fenty told Us Weekly from his Barbados home.

He told People.com that he hasn't spoken to his daughter since earlier this month, for her 21st birthday, and only found out about her reconciliation with Brown through the media.

"We are a family who stick together even though we are apart," he tells People.com. "She's a smart girl."

When asked what he would tell Brown as a father, he demurred, "I have no comment on Chris Brown."

Smart girl our ass. Smart girls don't go back to men that beat on them!

Rihanna Beatdown: The Saga Continues...

The Los Angeles Times says the 911 call alerting police to the alleged assault involving Chris Brown and Rihanna may be an important key in the investigation.


According to the Los Angeles Police Department, the unidentified person who phoned was unaware of the couple's celebrity when he or she reported the violent altercation, which took place around 12:30 a.m. Sunday in the ritzy Hancock Park section of Los Angeles.


At press time, detectives were still investigating the case and had not turned it over to prosecutors, who will decide whether to file charges against Brown.


The 19-year-old was arrested Sunday on suspicion of making criminal threats and was released on $50,000 bail. Rihanna, born Robyn Rihanna Fenty, was taken to the hospital with "visible injuries," according to authorities. The artists were nominated for Grammy Awards Sunday and were scheduled to perform, but both pulled out of the ceremony at the last minute.


From the moment the story broke, rumors have been ferocious regarding what led to the altercation. Some blog sites are reporting that Brown became violent because Rihanna had given him a sexually transmitted disease. Others claim Brown was upset because Rihanna reportedly left Saturday night's Clive Davis pre-Grammy bash for a while to talk to another man.


The severity of Rihanna's injuries has also been the subject of unconfirmed Internet reports, including rumors that she suffered a broken jaw in the alleged scuffle.


Brown’s arraignment is currently slated for March 5. On his Web site, fans are taking a wait-and-see attitude before making their judgment. On Rihanna’s site, though, some have already made up their minds.


“Send the right message to your fans to leave any boy who would hit you,” one poster tells Rihanna. “He does not deserve you. I will never buy another of his CDs regardless.”

This hit was sponsored in part by Beyonce.

Watch out, Kelly!

You're in danger, girl!!